Ash Ketchum and the Philosorceror's Stone
by Artik Walsh
Summary: In which we replace a relatable, adorable, honorable young wizard with a White Japanese kid obsessed with capturing helpless animals.
1. The Boy Who Lived TO CATCH THEM ALL!

Disclaimer: Have you ever wanted a story with Ash Ketchum instead of Harry Potter? Oh. Well, I'm writing it anyway, dammit!

**Ash Ketchum and the Philosorceror's Stone**

Chapter I:  
The Boy Who Lived... TO CATCH THEM ALL!

Mr. and Mrs. Ketch.. Ketchup. That's it. Mr. and Mrs. Ketchup of the only one of like, five buildings in the ten-mile radius of Pal.. Privet... Pralvet Drive. Let's say they're... House... Four. Yes, Number Four, Pralvet Drive. Totally original. It's my thing. Go to hell. Except you, Mrs. Rowling-ling-ling. Oh my. Asian Harry Potter by JK Rowling-ling.

...Oh, right. I'm writing something. Shut up, me. No. Yes. NO! YES! NOOO! YES! Woah, man, put down the gun! NO!

Hi, everyone. I'm Artik's replacement. Artik. Artik and Artik had a double-murder shootout, so... Storytime.

Right. So, Mr. and Mrs. Ketchup or Pralvet Drive were very normal, thank you very much. Moreso the Mister. Who blends into the scene completley, and whose voice blends in so well that many people have created their own theories about Mr. Ketchup. One of which includes the thought of the evil crime lord Jabba the... I mean, Givinno. Don Givinno. Yeah, that guy... being the aforementioned husband. For this story's sake, let's say it's fake.

Enough about the Dark Lord Givinno. He has nothing to do with the plot. Trust me. SHUDDUP, people who are able to make simple connections!

Where the [EFF!] was I? Right. The second sentence. Screw it.

Blah, blah, blah. Orphan. Blah, blah, blah. Guy in purple robes with stars and junk. Blah blah. Magic beans. Golden goo- Wrong story. Sorry. Anyway, Professor Dumbledore dropped the baby onto the doorstep. And left a note amongst the blood.

'Dear Mister and Missus Ketchup, please, when you wake up, take in this child. It is your nephew, Ash Ketchum. Don't kill him. Molest him, abuse him, whatever. Just don't kill him. It'll be explained in a few years. Or fifteen.'

It was noon. The senile man walked away, mumbling about Merlin-foresaken, Japanese-monster-infested grass that "Would make a much better story. Whatever that means..."

**Author's Note: **Actually fun to write so far. I intend to do several chapters, until I reach a stopping point.


	2. Blame Dumbledore

**Disclaimer: I realize Pocket Monster's aren't helpless. Hyperbole. **

**Ash Ketchum and the Philosorceror's Stone**

**Chapter II: Blame Dumbledore**

Nearly ten years have passed since the Dirty Weasels known as the Ketchups awoke at five o'clock in the day to discover a baby, and a bloody note. In fact, you know what? I'm gonna call them the Dursleys. **Dur**ty Wea**sel**. Dursley. Shudduuuupppp.

But Number Four, Pravlet Drive has barely changed at all. In fact, nothing in town changed. Except... The family no longer lives there.

The baby on the doorstep, Ash Ketchum is now old enough to go on an adventure around the world, just as soon as his upcoming birthday rolls around, and collect animals to fight for his amusement. Little does he know his long-awaited dream will never come...

Hah, no. He knew he'd never be allowed a starter Pocket Monster. I mean, he was raised by abusive guardians. Dumbledore knew perfectly well, too! I mean, the bloody bloody letter's other side read, '_PS- Seriously. Please, whatever you do... Don't kill him. Abuse him, molest him, malnurish him, tell him his parents were drunk and died in automobile accident, rather than from protecti- Eh, I'll save that for later. Like the front page said, I'll explain in several years..." ..._That and the fact this story is about Ash Ketchum's time at Hogwarts, not about him capturing poor mutant animals to fight for his amusement.

And so they did as the note said, for the Dursleys hated Ash. Not because his aunt, Petunia, hated her sister and the man she married- no. Not because it meant taking in another child while they had their own son, Dudley. No, they hated him because he, or as they call him- it, gives them the risk of being abnormal.

You see, strange things tended to follow Ash Ketchum. One time, he had his hand stuck in a jar. Another, he had his head stuck in the stair rails. Yet another time, he crawled up a wall. Ash Ketchum has a certain knack for being completely out of tune in conversation, ranting on and on about salmon while answering a question about math, or worse, quoting things from the internet.

But that's not what keeps the Dursleys away from their precious normality. No- it's because of his parent's blood- their abilities; their... Shall we say, talent. Something they try and try again to beat out of him. When Ash ended up appearing on the roof of his school whilst escaping Dudley and his gang of bullies, the Dursleys had to move back to Britain. To Number Four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. This, of course, renders almost everything established in the last chapter as completely pointless.

"Much better place to start a story, in my opinion," Ash's uncle, Vernon, once said, then blinking a few times, "whatever that means..."

And then, Porygon showed up and gave everyone seizures. Nah, not really.

**A/N**: I'm thinking of doing two chapters for every one chapter in the book. Easier on lazy people like me. Also, if I ever wrap this up, I may do a story about Harry playing the role of Ash. Don't take the story too seriously. It's _meant _to be out there.


	3. Ekans and Flower

**Disclaimer: Stuff actually **_**happens**_** in this chapter.**

**Ash Ketchum and the Philosorceror's Stone**

**Chapter III: Ekans and Flower**

Ash Ketchum awoke one morning, ten years after he was literally dropped onto his spiteful aunt and uncle's doorstep. The reason he was roused from his dreams about a drunkard on a flying motorcycle or something stupid like that? A rapping on the door.

"Yo, dawg," Aunt Petunia began, outside the door to Ash's room (the cupboard beneath the staircase), "Yeah, that's right. It's mornin'- No fakin'. Get yo' ass up and make the bacon. We're too lazy, my other sister's name woulda been Daisy. So here I am, rapping at'cho' door. Bout to knock it down on the floor, I'm musical, if you don't get up, I'll ya smack with a board...  
More than usual." ...Get it? Rapping?

"Merlindammit. Why is she rapping again? White bitches be trippin'." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR MAIN PROTAGONIST. HE'S ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD! "Wait. What the HFIL did I say "Merlin" for...?"

"...Wait, what's HFIL?!", Ash asked, "What is wrong with me?! LEROYYYY-"

"GET THE BLOODY HELL UP!"

Ash crawled out of bed, got off the floor, changed into his hand-me-downs from Dudley, and walked into the kitchen. "Ahhh, fudge. It's _that_day." Ash nervously tried to straighten his spikey black hair, to no avail. Oh well. Ash liked his scar showing. Yeah, that's right. He's got a lightning-shaped scar. No, screw that. No, he's got a scar on his foresk- Head. Forehead in the shape of Cruella De Vil. No. It's in the shape of a Trident. Still nope. You know what? Screw it times two. Sloppy seconds. It's a lightning-bloody-bolt.

Whenever he asked his "family" about it, they'd just say that it was from a Firebender that challenged his family to an Agni Kai.

...What did I just write?

Ash Ketchum could hear the rat-pig-thing of a cousin yelling. "HOW MANY ARE THERE?!"

"OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAANDDDD!"

"What?! NINE THOUSAND?! LAST WEEK, LAST WEEK, IT WAS TEN THOUSAND."

"But you see... They're much.. Bigger than last week."

"I DON'T CARE. QUANTITY OVER QUALITY, BITCHES."

Ash retorted, trying to stop the argument, "CAPS LOCK!"

They all stared at Ash.

"How about this, Duddynipples," Petunia offered, "we go out to the zoo, and you can torture animals, and consider the rare and endangered species' pelts as extra gifts?"

"Kayyy", Duddynipples agreed.

And the zoo they went to. And met Blue, and found the clue, and what to do? Why, Duddynipples raped the zoo. The whole zoo. Moo.

"WAKE UP", Dudley screamed at a snake he hadn't violated yet. It stayed asleep.

"He's not waking up," Ash started, reading the card about the snake, "it's Latino. Bloody siesta jockeys."

Duddynipples walked away.

"I'm sorry he doesn't understand your culture... Oh, you're awake. Did you just... Wink? At me? You understand me?! I SPEAK MEXICAN?!" It was from Burma. Or Brazil. Depending on whether we're talking movies or books. Let's go with Brazil.

Ash laughed. "I wish I could let you out. But, they... Left the key in your lock...? Wow. I mean, you're on your own, "ah-me-joe".

Dudley ran over to snake, seeing it awake. "I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU."

Ash gave Duddynipples evil eyes, and suddenly, MilkDuds fell through what used to be glass, and the snake slithered out.

"Racisssssst asssss."

Suddenly, someone fell from the sky and went through the ceiling, seemingly unharmed. It was a girl. Ash's age, in fact. "Where am I," she asked.

Ash blinked the, stared at the girl on the floor. "YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME. I SHALL NAME YOU FLOWER."

Duddleykins agreed, "I GET TO RAPE HER FIRST." Ash kicked him. Where is the question. Let us just say he won't be in raping condition for a while.

"My name isn't Flower, it's M-"

"FLOWER", Ash finished.

"And the plot thickens", Uncle Vernon muttered, "whatever that means."

**A/N: Horrible entrance for a new character. Flower is just that awesome. I'm not gonna let her get raped, though. XD**


End file.
